*Disclaimer* All stories are better told in person. Please read out loud in your best Dennie impression for full effect. Thank you. All stunts are performed by trained professionals with appropriate safety gear. Do you attempt at home?
It was a fairly warm morning in late September. That's when the shitting started. I woke up with severe stomach cramping and a mild case of the pukes and violent bowel evacuations. It was clearly food poisoning. This was not your average food poisoning, mind you. It was the kind where you are scared to leave the bathroom for longer than the span of time it takes to retrieve more toilet paper. I couldn't parent my child at all.
I, being the most reasonable, logical, intelligent person that has ever walked the planet, decided to go out that night. I had my typical bar experience, filled with whiskey and coke. Bad choice. The night ended around 1:30 AM and I made my way home. I was panicked, due to the whiskey quickly making its way down my body and needing to then make it's way out. I got home, and continued with the day's previous activities, spending some more quality time in the bathroom.
Thinking I had reached my shit limit, I went to bed. Little did I know, my bowels are bottomless. I went to sleep, soundly, might I add. About ten minutes later, I woke up, under the impression nothing unusual had happened during that time. That's when I realized. Nothing about the situation I was in was normal for a 22 year old woman, mother, licensed driver, working individual, pretty much anyone old enough to read a novel. You get the jist.
My pants had become the victim of a serious shit rape. Not just the pants though. It was a gang rape. The sheets were tarnished, and my ego was even more violated. My self esteem was lower than Eeyore's after a really rainy day. Actually, let's go with muddy day. Cause my day, was muddy as shit.
I'm not the kind of person to end a great story without a moral, so leave with this: Lather, rinse, and repeat. Again, and again and again.
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