Sweatology

    We recently did a study on sweat.  Did you know there are different kinds of sweat?  Each affects us in a different way.  We happen to have the perfect guinea pig.  Miss Dennie Lynn Hedges.  She, is a sweat machine.  We put her through a series of experiments, and we are now prepared to share our results with you.


The Cold Sweat and the Fever Sweat
     We had Dennie hang out in a playground around a multitude of snot nosed children.  She wore nothing but a tube top and granny panties in 36 degree weather.  We made her leave the combat boots at home, so she instead wore flip flops.  She took the experiment very seriously.  She played on the monkey bars, pushed kids down the slides, licked all the swings, and slid down the germ infested pole.  She did this for a solid 5 hours.
     She was sneezing and sniffling before we even arrived home, just as we hoped she would be.  After getting inside, we refused to give her any kind of medicine, to ensure the virus would spread.  Soon, she was bedridden.  Feverish and freezing, she went to bed.  This is where the measurements began.
     When Dennie woke up in a pool of sweat, her hair stuck to her face, and her granny panties riding up way to far, we removed the blankets and made her get up.  After documenting the size of the pool, and the salt saturation, we came to the conclusion it was just enough to break a fever.  So then we made her sit in a freezing cold room, still sick.
     She continued to sweat, but this was a different kind.  It was less salty, and more tangy.  Not quite as severe, but just as disgusting.  We gave her the medicine so we would no longer have to endure the gross secretion of smelly substance out of her every pore. 

The Work Out Sweat

    Once Dennie completely recovered, she was placed on a treadmill, set to continue running, no matter how many times she tried to quit and turn it off.  This, my friends, really built up a sweat.  Four minutes and twenty seconds later, when she passed out from exhaustion, we rushed to her side.  Not to make sure she was okay, but to examine the sweat.
     It was all over her body, and even after the activity ended, it continued.  We were mildly worried she was going to lose too much sweat.  But we pushed our fears aside and carried on.   This sweat was thick and even more rancid smelling than the sick sweat.  We didn't know if it was due to a lack of showering on her part, or the actual sweating, so we were unable to get conclusive results.  We gave up, carried her into the shower, and left her there for a while.

The Standing Over A 350 Degree Grill For Three Consecutive Hours With No Water Breaks And No Way Out Sweat.  

     This part of the experiment took place at her work, In N Out Burger.  We watched as she began.  Things seemed okay for the first seven minutes, but then it got out of control.  It all started pouring out from her hairline.  But it didn't create a pool there, instead it ran down her face, and covered her entire body.  Her shirt was drenched, her socks were soaked, and her mustache was standing out due to all the sweat droplets getting stuck on it.
      We realized it must have a high salt content when it got in her eyes and she cried out in pain.  We didn't let her go fix things though, we made her continue.  It got worse.  Eventually it seemed as though her hair was getting too damp to stay in her hat, and began falling out, all around her face, creating a chaotic array of strands.  She was finally released from the experiment when the manager got angry and made her go fix her appearance.
     Luckily, before this occurred, we were able to snag a few meat patties for examination.  We tested the taste of regular salted meat, as opposed to sweat salted meat.  The taste was essentially the same, maybe a bit more juicy on the sweat patty.   We all then realized what we had done and immediately went and vomited.  That's when we decided we had taken this study much too far.


The only solid conclusion we were able to come to is that Dennie is completely disgusting while sweating, no matter what conditions she is placed in.  We advise that you stay very far away from her if she is doing any strenuous activity, such as doing the dishes, dusting the shelves, changing the pillowcases, feeding the fish, or tying her shoes.

Although sweating is good for you for some random health reasons, in Dennie's case, it can be deadly.  She is not dead, but we can't guarantee that no flies were harmed in the making of this blog topic.